Happy9 - Charisma

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Charisma: ability to make other people like you.

Charisma is largely about how good you can make other feels. Attention is validation.

You can make more friends in two months by becoming truly interested in other people than you can in years by trying to get other people interested in you — Dale Carnegie.

If we really want something from somebody, then we need to take time to listen to them and see what they need. President Clinton wants people to vote for him, or support his initiative, so he take time to listen to the people that he meets, and try to understand what is really important to them at the individual person level. He also try to relate himself to each person. This make people feel valued and connected. And as a president, his job is to serve the people, and therefore he might as well try to understand their needs. In life, most of us needs supports from other people, so we should sincerely get to know other people, their background, their family, their needs, stories, etc, and we have to be willing to share our background, families, needs, stories, etc.

Do not be scared. At some level, we are just as important as the other person. What do I want to ask this other person?

Take baby steps.

Four types of charisma:

  1. Focus charisma
  2. Visionary charisma
  3. Kindness charisma
  4. Authority charisma

Focus charisma is when you make people feel that you are solely focused on them, and the two of you exist in a world of your own. There is intense attention and eye contact, and you seem to understand each other innately.

Visionary charisma is when you believe in a greater cause and can rally people to see and believe in that cause. You are an effective communicator and messenger because of your beliefs and conviction. You confident passion is attractive.

Kindness charisma is based on warmth and understanding. You make people feel like you truly care and can understand their emotions. Your empathy is attractive. People feel comfortable opening up to you because they won't be met with judgement. Picture Mother Teresa.

Authority charisma preys on our natural instinct to follow whom we perceive as powerful and in charge. You give the impression that you are infallible, have the answers, and deserve to be followed. People may not like you, but they believe in you and your ability to make decisions and lead wisely.

People and relationships are the currency of happiness in our lives - Waldinger.

Give the other person your full undivided attention:

One of the building blocks of charisma is the ability to devote your full, undivided attention to someone. This is where people like Bill Clinton counterintuitively excel, because you would never expect someone of their magnitude to be so attentive and interested.

The core of devoting your attention is to be present with someone and be engaged in them, the moment, and what is happening around you. It has nothing to do with what you look like or what you're wearing.

Conan O'Brien host his show in a big studio with sizeable audience, and yet when his guest sits down across from him, everyone else vanishes and they are in a world of their own. That guest is the center of Conan's world, and everything for the next 10 minutes is geared toward focusing on the guest and making them feel as comfortable and welcome as possible. Conan is insatiably curious about their stories and reacts to them as if they were the funniest things he has ever heard. He draws people out of their shells, and even turns more reserved guests into storytellers because he appears so interested and engaged.

Giving someone your true undivided attention opens them up and make them enjoy being around you. On a very basic level, it makes them feel like you care about them, and we are all too happy to engage with someone who appears to show interest in us.

Be present in the moment. The pass is already gone, and the future is not yet here (uncertain), so focus on the current moment. Embrace the current moment, one that you will never get back, one that is sorely wasted if you are not present for it. So, embrace the current moment and give the other person our undivided sincere attention.

Use eye contact correctly and optimally:

When someone is speaking, look into their eyes 80% of the time, and when you are speaking, look into their eyes 50% of the time. This encompasses a perfect ratio where it seems that you are engaged, but not invasive nor distant. More eye contact is not necessarily better. The more you use without a break, the more uncomfortable you will make someone.

Nod more often:

Simply looking somebody in the eye opens the door to deeper levels of intimacy. One of the clearest signals of attention you can send is to simply nod more, provided that you actually understand and agree with what they are saying. Nod while people are talking and after they finish, provided that you actually understand and agree with what they are saying.

If you nod too quickly and too frequently, you will look like you are overeager (have alternative purpose beside what is actually being discussed). Nodding, in this instance, is not a reaction to what's being said, but rather a habit, and people can tell the difference. More nodding is not better because then it completely robs the act of its meaning.

Follow up with questions:

Really listen to what the other person is saying, and follow up with questions. Following up is the art of asking question after questions of people, and disregarding what you want to say, and focusing on their topic or thoughts. Following up is the opposite of waiting for your turn to speak — you are encouraging them to speak with questions that seek information.

If you ask questions that clarify what the other person was talking about, it shows that you are engaged in the conversation and care about its outcome. If you ask at least six questions on the same topic, that is truly following up and showing an interest in someone else's train of thought.

In a sense, it is a selfless act. We all want to share, and you are letting someone else share more. This is a step most people don't take in normal conversations because it's just not how we are wired. Here are some examples of questions that show you are really listening and present:

  1. Really?
  2. Why did you think that was?
  3. It sound like you're saying …
  4. Can you clarify that for me?
  5. So for example …
  6. So you are saying …
  7. Can you tell me more about that?

Following up is a big step in appearing present and interested because of how it cause someone to perceive you. Unfortunately, if you are trying to think of your next clarifying question while the other person is talking, they will quickly notice that you haven't paid attention to them at all. Devoting your full attention, or at least appearing that you are fully present and interested in people will make them feel incredibly special and valued. Charisma is largely about how good you can make other feels. Attention is validation.

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